Finding Home Read online

  Jess frowned at her, trying to follow her line of reasoning. “Well, yeah, the kid needs a place.”

  Then, to his surprise, Naomi gave him a gentle smile. “That’s generous and caring of you. You’re a good man, Jess Schroder. Better than you think.”

  Her praise settled on his soul and he felt a quieting in his spirit. He held her gaze for another beat and again he felt a rising of emotions he hadn’t felt in a long while.

  Attraction.

  Connection.

  Peace.

  Naomi was the only one who could make him feel peaceful even though the past few days of being around her made him feel anything but.

  He wanted to look away but couldn’t. Wanted to touch her but shouldn’t. “Thanks for that,” he muttered. “I feel like I’m at a complete loss here.”

  “Of course you are. I think parents always are. My mom used to tell me it would have been so much easier if we came with instruction manuals. She said parenting was like trying to build a boat while you’re out at sea. You’re always just trying to catch up.” She eased out a gentle smile. “I sometimes wished she was a better mother, but I think she did the best she could with what she was given. Besides, we had our nana and papa who gave us all the love and caring we ever needed.” She looked over at Jess. “You don’t have to be a father to this baby. Being a brother to Brittany is already honorable. Like I said, I think you sell yourself short. Offering to take Brittany in and help support her is one of the most generous things I’ve ever seen.”

  “More generous than anything Billy would have done?” As soon as the words spilled out, Jess mentally slapped his forehead. Why had he brought up Billy? Was he deliberately trying to sabotage this moment?

  Naomi’s smile shifted, but only a bit. “Billy was a generous person, but his generosity came with...conditions.”

  He knew he shouldn’t ask, but the way she had said that hinted that things had not been so rosy between her and Billy. And he felt a tiny ray of hope.

  “Conditions like what?”

  Naomi tore her gaze away and for a moment he wondered if she would say anything.

  “I’m sorry, it’s none of my business. It’s just, you seldom talk about Billy.”

  “It’s fine. I don’t mind.” But she was quiet a moment again.

  So he said nothing, giving her space.

  “When Billy and I...got together again, we moved to British Columbia and went to college there,” she said finally, releasing a melancholy smile. “I was enrolled in an art course. I wanted to do more with my stained-glass work. Billy took his divinity courses and then, when he proposed, suggested, in a way that I couldn’t refuse, that I take something that would work better with his degree. He still had thoughts of going into the mission field and said that an art course wouldn’t translate into anything that would be acceptable on the field. So he persuaded me to switch my courses and take a nursing degree with an eye to what would work for him. I didn’t want to spend that much time and money and instead I took a nurse’s aide course. It made sense. Art and mission work don’t work together very well.” She gave a short laugh. “I guess I had always hoped I could go back and finish my art degree later.”

  She went quiet then and looked down at her hands, as if she felt she had betrayed Billy’s memory and said too much.

  For Jess, however, it was a glimpse into what her life with Billy had been and gave him a faint notion that maybe Billy had not been quite the perfect man for her. Not if he couldn’t see what she had done with glass. How she changed the light with her work, enhanced it. Made it sing.

  If Billy couldn’t see that, did he know who she truly was?

  “Did you ever do any stained-glass work after that?”

  Naomi slowly shook her head, twisting the button on her sweater as she spoke. “I didn’t have time once I switched my courses. And it was hard...hard to find money to pay for supplies and a reason to do it.”

  Jess remembered watching Naomi work on the sun catcher she had made for him. She had had a makeshift studio set up in her bedroom and in one corner, she had a small lamp she had made for somebody and another one for her grandmother.

  “I remember how excited you were when Baxter Lincoln asked you to make a window for his house.”

  Naomi’s smile grew melancholy. “I remember thinking that was my big break. But I also remember feeling like I needed to know more about color and light and composition and flow.” She gave a light laugh. “I had no clue.”

  “And now?”

  “I ended up taking some courses in Halifax the last year of his life. Billy was sick so much of the time and couldn’t do his work. I learned so much. It was wonderful.” Her smile grew, she sat straighter and her eyes lit up as if they were windows themselves. Windows into her soul. “I learned how to use color. How to paint on glass. How to make glass. We were going to do this tour of some of the cathedrals in Quebec City, but I couldn’t...” Her voice trailed off and Jess suspected her switching of majors had much to do with the aborted trip.

  Then she turned to him, her smile wavering, as if unsure. “I know I said I didn’t want to do the windows for your house, but if the offer is still open...”

  Jess held her hesitant gaze, then nodded. “I would love it if you could do them.”

  Her smile settled into his being. And as their gazes held, Jess felt the old connection. The old emotions. And yet, behind them, something deeper. Stronger.

  Something that had the potential to upset every aspect of his life.

  Chapter 8

  “So I thought I would use this brown down in this corner and slowly work toward a striated green here.” Naomi pointed with her pencil to the sketches she had spent most of the afternoon drawing up.

  She had been working at the kitchen table when Jess had come in the house, ostensibly to get something from his room. When she invited him to look at the sketches she was making for his window, he had readily agreed.

  Now he stood beside her, so close she could smell the scent of sawdust and beneath that a hint of the brand of soap she remembered he always used.

  The soap she had given him as a gift.

  Her heart clenched, then she pushed off the reaction, turning her focus back to the sketches she had made.

  “I thought I would work with each window representing a season of the year,” she said, pointing to the pictures with her pencil. “The first window would be of an ice-covered creek which would be melting in the second window, then clear in the third window to represent summer and in the last one, a few brown leaves floating in the water with a hint of white on the far side to bring it full circle to the beginning. The trees and shrubs on the banks of the creek would each show the changing seasons, as well.”

  “Sounds perfect,” Jess said, his voice a quiet rumble. “Are you using lead or copper foil?” He leaned closer, his hands resting on the table. She saw a jagged scar across the back of one hand that he got when they had gone mountain biking. He had taken a run too fast, had fallen and cut his hand open. He had laughed, ripped the sleeve off his T-shirt and used it as a makeshift bandage, insisting on biking the rest of the way down the hill.

  Always tough as nails. He would never say he couldn’t do something. And he always pushed her, as well. Pushed her beyond her comfort zone, pushed her to try things she never would have on her own. Around him she had always felt a bit frightened as well as energized and enervated.

  She blinked, pulling herself back from the brink of the old memories that came more frequently the more time she spent around Jess. Maybe she shouldn’t have taken on this project. Was she crazy?

  In spite of her questioning thoughts, she was glad for the job. When she had started sketching out the design, she felt suddenly whole and alive. Something she hadn’t felt...

  Since Jess.

  “I was thinking lead,” she said hastily, scribbling a note in the margin as she pulled herself back to the moment. “The windows will be too heavy for foil and lead will be more f
orgiving. It’s been years since I cut glass and I don’t trust my accuracy anymore.”

  “Do you know where you’re getting the glass?”

  “Hailey said she was going to Calgary to look at bridesmaid dresses. There’s a store there that carries all the supplies I need.”

  “I can take care of Brittany when you go.”

  “You don’t need to worry about that. Shannon said she would come to watch Brittany. Though she’s been much more cooperative lately. I even got her doing her own blood tests yesterday.”

  Jess nodded, a slow smile creeping across his lips. “You’ve done good work with her,” he said quietly. “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your help and support. Having you around has been a real blessing.”

  His praise warmed her soul and his steady gaze holding hers slowed her heart.

  A finger of fear tugged at her thoughts as she found herself unable to pull her gaze away from him.

  Don’t lose yourself again. Don’t get taken over. Stay in charge of your emotions and your life.

  Then, when his hand came up to brush a strand of hair away from her face, the touch of his fingers tracing her cheek on her face made a mockery of her struggle to maintain her distance.

  Look away. Look away.

  But her protests faded as their gazes meshed, held, and time slowly wheeled around them. Her heart quickened and again she felt as if she was a young girl amazed that this incredibly handsome man wanted anything to do with her.

  Then he dragged his eyes away, breaking the connection, and behind the feeling of relief came a sense of loss.

  He could always do that to her, Naomi reminded herself as she turned her attention back to the sketches. Always make her feel as if he was the only person in the world.

  Then, when he retreated, make you feel all alone.

  The words created a cold clarity. She had made the same mistake with Billy. Losing herself so completely in his life and his personality that she had lost any sense of her own wants and needs.

  Yet, she knew that with Jess it was all different. She felt alive around Jess. She felt whole.

  “I’m impressed,” Jess said, straightening, his voice gruff, which made her wonder if he was as affected as she was. “You’ve got some original and wonderful ideas.”

  She swallowed and took a deep breath to center herself.

  “Thank you,” she said quietly, her heart and mind slowly coming back to earth. “I just hope they translate to wonderful windows.”

  Her nerves fluttered at the thought of working with glass again. Of trying to express her vision using a brittle and unforgiving medium. “I’m pretty rusty.”

  “I’m sure you’ll do great. You don’t settle for mediocre,” he said, giving her another quick smile.

  She felt as if his words held a deeper meaning.

  “I’ll do my best,” she said, affecting a breezy tone. “After all, you’re paying my wages. I’m just the help.”

  Jess’s expression darkened. “You’re more than that.” His voice held a peculiar tone that Naomi wasn’t sure she wanted to think about. Not with her own emotions so tenuous right now. Yet, she couldn’t look away from him, and worse, didn’t want to.

  Then, when Jess’s hand came up and his fingers rested feather-light on her cheek, she heard a warning knell sound in her soul.

  Danger. Danger.

  But the old yearning Jess could always evoke in her, the heart-wrenching loneliness that had been her companion those long years after Jess, rose, quenching the reprimand.

  She felt herself leaning toward him as the air around them amplified and filled with light.

  Then, loneliness and an old forgotten ache made her turn her face into his hand. Made her reach up to encircle his wrist with her fingers.

  She closed her eyes as if to shut out everything else. To focus only on the roughness of Jess’s fingers. The warmth of his hand on her face.

  She had missed him. So badly she had missed him.

  She felt a beat of disloyalty to Billy and she tried to bring up her fiancé’s face. To remind herself of what Billy had done for her.

  Then Jess’s fingers tightened, Billy faded away and for a heart-stopping moment she thought Jess might kiss her.

  Instead Jess withdrew his hand and Naomi felt bereft.

  She turned away, suddenly ashamed of how easily she had forgotten. How quickly she allowed herself to get pulled into the force of Jess’s personality.

  And how easily she forgot Billy and what he had done for her.

  “I better go,” Jess said quietly.

  She nodded, not sure what she should do. Then, to her surprise and dismay, he bent over and brushed his lips over her cheek. “Good night, Naomi,” he said quietly.

  Then he left her to her swirling thoughts and confused emotions, her heart beating in her neck, her soul both distraught and lonely.

  She sank down into the chair behind her and pressed her hands together, lowering her head.

  Lord, help me through this. I need to keep my feet on solid ground. You are my solid ground. You are my only true identity.

  She took a slow breath, willing her pounding heart to still. Glancing sidelong, she saw the sketches she had been making for Jess’s window.

  One step at a time, she reminded herself. Don’t go jumping into anything. You’re just doing a job for him. Don’t get distracted by old emotions and feelings that, at one time, took over your entire life.

  Even as these words rang through her mind like a litany of self-control, behind them crept a sense of rightness. Of completion that she had never felt with Billy.

  She looked down at the sketches again, a mixture of anticipation and nervousness pulsing through her. She would be working with glass again and making something beautiful that would come alive when the light shone through it.

  She would be making windows for Jess Schroder’s house.

  Trouble was, she wasn’t sure which idea made her feel the most alive.

  “So tell me why you’ve been putzing away at this house for the past four years and now, all of a sudden, you’re putting the screws on us to get this done?” Connor screwed a handle onto another cabinet door, tightening it with a grunt.

  Jess pulled out a handle for the last cabinet door out of the box sitting on the granite countertop and brushed the dust off. “Just tired of having it sit here, half finished. Besides, I’ll probably need the space for Brittany if she needs to stay.”

  “That’s pretty big of you. Taking in a girl you’re not even technically related to.”

  Jess shrugged off Connor’s comment. He didn’t feel like it was pretty big of him. In fact, there were many times he felt like chasing down Brittany’s ex-boyfriend and having a few words with him.

  “Elliot Tye and I have a bet going that you’re going after Naomi again.”

  Again. The word sounded pathetic in Jess’s ears. Even as he let the idea settle, he felt as if he wasn’t going back in time. Naomi had changed a lot since she had left Rockyview. She had a maturity, a quiet resilience about her that, if anything, made her more attractive to him than before.

  “Well, you better cancel the bet,” Jess said, holding out the handle. “That’s the last of ’em.”

  Connor held Jess’s gaze. “You never got over her, did you?”

  Jess wanted to ignore his friend’s comment or, better yet, brush him off with a joke, but then Connor leaned his large arms on the counter, as if settling in for a chat.

  “You’ve always liked her,” Connor said. “Even when you were dating other girls, I know she’s always been the one for you.”

  “You sound like a junior high schoolgirl.” Jess dropped the handle on the counter with a clunk, a not-so-subtle hint to keep working.

  “So what’s holding you back?” Connor asked, ignoring Jess’s remark and the handle. “I see how she looks at you. I’m sure she still thinks about you.”

  Jess folded his arms over his chest, Connor’s words igniting a tiny spark
of hope deep within. Yesterday, after he had left Naomi, he had felt like smacking himself on the head any number of times for the impulsive kiss he had given her. It was as if he couldn’t help himself.

  He hadn’t stuck around to catch her reaction either.

  This morning he had stayed away from the house, but lunchtime was quickly approaching and he would have to face Naomi again.

  “Doesn’t matter what you’re sure of. She’s just buried her fiancé. A guy who was studying to be a minister. I’m not anywhere in his league.”

  Connor’s eyes narrowed. “Why do you think that? You’re ten times the man Billy Phelan ever was.”

  Billy had never taken advantage of Naomi the way Jess had.

  But Jess couldn’t say those words aloud. What had happened between him and Naomi was something that had affected him on so many levels. Even though he was ashamed, at the same time it had created a connection between him and Naomi that he had never shared with any other woman he had dated since.

  You were the only one.

  “I’m not anything like Billy,” Jess said, pushing the handle toward Connor. “He’s the guy who’s marriage and father material.”

  But still Connor stood across from him.

  “Maybe. Billy was an okay guy, but I can’t see him doing for Brittany what you’re doing without any strings attached. You’ve shown her love and caring and I’ve never heard you make her feel like she was less of a person for what happened to her.”

  “How could I?” Jess asked. “I’m not a better person than her.”

  Connor straightened, resting his hands on the countertop. “That’s what makes you better than Billy. I doubt he would have said the same thing. And that’s why I think you’re a way better man than he was. Naomi would be lucky to have a guy like you in her life,” Connor said quietly.

  Jess waved off his comment. “Thanks for the pep talk, but I’ve got too much stuff that comes attached.”

  Connor didn’t say anything to that. Instead he picked up the handle and Jess thought the conversation was finally done. But then Connor heaved out a heavy sigh, hefting the handle from one hand to other, seeming to weigh his words. “You don’t still believe all that garbage your old man tossed at you, do you? The things he used to say to you?”