Close to His Heart Read online

  “And...” Helen prompted.

  Jace held her steady gaze and shook his head. “Why do you care?”

  Helen’s eyes slipped away as she looked past him, but Jace sensed she was looking beyond this space and time.

  “Because I see in her eyes a deep and aching pain. A pain I know all too well.”

  Her words chilled him, and for a moment, he couldn’t say anything. Then, “Why do you say that?”

  Helen waited a moment then turned to him. “I don’t want to sound as if I know more than you do about her.” A faint smile teased her lips. “When I talked to her, after you and Charlie left, I got a strong sense she and I have traveled the same path.”

  “How can you say that? Her parents were well off. She had everything—a good life, faith. She never had to scrimp and scrape like you did. Like I did.”

  “Like you did...?” she prompted.

  “My parents never had a lot of money. We were always scrambling to pay even the smallest bills. My sister and I have gone hungry, and I’ve faced ridicule because of the place I lived in and my secondhand clothes.” He stopped, surprised at what he was telling this woman, a virtual stranger.

  “My first high heels were worn by you first...” Helen smiled as she quoted one of her songs. “Not that you wore high heels. But I know what you’re talking about. Public humiliation is a difficult thing to face.” A shadow crossed her face. “But Tess’s pain comes from a far deeper place. A place that can’t be fixed in spite of how well off you’ve perceived her family to be.”

  “But where is this place? What caused this pain? She won’t tell me anything. All I know is that all those years ago, she suddenly left everything, left me.” Jace leaned forward. “Now she’s doing it again. She’s shutting me out and not telling me why. She’s not answering her phone, not calling me.”

  Helen sat back, watching him. Jace held her gaze, hoping for some words of wisdom. Anything that would help him get through to Tess.

  “You still care for her, don’t you?”

  Jace sighed, shaking his head, ashamed of his own stupidity. “Yes. Fool that I am...still do.”

  “Not a fool, Jace. Never a fool for caring for somebody. I think she cares for you, too. She just doesn’t know what to do with it.”

  “How do you know all this?”

  “Like I said, I sensed a kindred spirit when I talked to her. A kindred sorrow. The way Charlie got to me was to keep caring. To put away his own pride and let his affection wear away my resistance and mistrust of men.” Helen stopped, then gave him a gentle smile. “I could go on and on, but I’m guessing you are a man with other things on his mind, so let’s talk about the other reason you came here.”

  She leaned back in her chair. “I’ll need to make a trip to the venue and do a sound check. I like to have my ducks in a row before I perform.”

  Jace was thankful for the switch of topics, but Helen had given him much to think about.

  Later, he thought. He couldn’t assimilate all the information now.

  “We’ve had a problem with our speaker,” Jace said, handing her a temporary agenda. “We’re not sure how we’ll fill that space, but the only way this will affect you is that you might sing sooner in the program.”

  Helen skimmed over the program. “You’ll have a full evening with the live and silent auctions and me singing, so it might not be so bad not to have the speaker.” She tapped her finger on her cheek, thinking. “If you want, I could add a few more songs. I know something that had always gone over well with the audience was when I explained how some of the songs came about.”

  Jace hardly dared believe she would be willing to do that. To him, it was enough that she was singing. Now this?

  “If you don’t mind—”

  “I wouldn’t offer if I minded. I’m glad to help out. This is a good cause, and I’m now part of the community.” She smiled wistfully. “I haven’t been a part of a community for a long time, and I think it’s important to help where you can.”

  “So, you think community is important.”

  She looked him in the eye. “Very important. You and Tess are very fortunate to have been born and raised here. To have history and continuity. I’m very thankful Charlie brought me here to this town.” She glanced at the clock and got up. “Charlie will be in soon. Would you like to stay and have some tea with us?”

  Jace nodded and, as Helen bustled about the kitchen, he thought of her comments.

  He had spent a lot of time and energy trying to get away from the very place Helen seemed content to settle in. The first time he’d been here, he focused on his work and on moving on. He had virtually no social life.

  Now, thanks to being involved in the fundraiser, he’d seen parts of his parents’ lives through other people’s eyes and from a different vantage point. They were well respected in spite of their lack of money. They were involved in the town, and people remembered them.

  He thought about Tess’s veiled comments about him being ashamed of the community he was born and raised in. It wasn’t the community—it was his parents.

  And it turned out he had nothing to be ashamed of.

  He glanced at Helen, thinking what she had said: Tess was a kindred spirit, and they shared a kindred sorrow.

  What sorrow could that be?

  He did know one thing though. This time he wasn’t phoning her. This time he was going directly to her apartment and confronting her.

  And he wasn’t leaving until he got answers to all his questions.

  Chapter 10

  Helen’s voice rang through the speakers of Tess’s stereo, pushing against the walls of her apartment. Tess didn’t care how loud she played her music. Right now, she needed other words to drown out the ones replaying in her head since Jace had dropped his bomb a few days ago.

  She wrapped her arms around her legs as she hunched on the couch, letting Helen’s words speak for her: “Pain without ceasing, shame without end. Pain that won’t leave, shame that won’t bend.”

  She knows exactly what happened to me, Tess thought, laying her head on her knees. She understands what no one else can.

  The phone rang again, and Tess glanced at the handset sitting beside her on the couch.

  Unknown name. Unknown number.

  No one she needed to talk to.

  Yesterday, Tess had phoned Claire to tell her she wasn’t feeling well and wouldn’t be coming in again that day. She’d called her mother back last night, to reassure her that, yes, she was still alive, and she would feel better in a while.

  Chuck and Carson MacGregor are coming here. They want to take us out for dinner.

  The thought sent an arrow through her midsection.

  Through the music, she heard someone knocking at the door.

  “Tess. Open up. I need to talk to you.”

  Tess’s heart plunged. Not Jace. Not now.

  “I know you’re in there,” he said, raising his voice. “I can hear the music and your car is still out in the parking lot.”

  Tess gnawed on her lower lip. She didn’t want to confront him, and she wished she could ignore the inevitability of seeing Jace again.

  “I’m not leaving, and I won’t stop knocking until you open the door,” he called.

  “Hey, be quiet,” someone yelled down the hallway. “Some of us are trying to sleep.”

  “See, Tess. I’ll just end up annoying your neighbors,” Jace bellowed above the music. “And it will be your fault.”

  Tess clung to the faint hope he would get the hint and leave her alone, just as he had the last time.

  Another voice joined in the fray, but this one came from downstairs. She couldn’t hear the words above the music, but she could hear the anger.

  Tess pushed herself off the couch, trudged to the door, and took a moment to peek through the peephole.

  Jace stood in the hallway, wearing a faded denim shirt, a leather jacket, and blue jeans, arms crossed. He was also ignoring the man down the hallway yelling at
him.

  With a sense of impending doom, Tess opened the deadbolt, unlatched the chain, unlocked the door, and opened it a crack.

  “Leave me alone,” she said through the narrow opening, clinging to anger, which was the only defense she had against him.

  Jace shook his head. “I’ve done that too much in the past, and I’m not doing that again.”

  “Shut that music off, will ya?” This from the man a few doors down, who now stood in the hallway. Downstairs, she heard a door slam against the wall and another voice call out.

  “You should probably let me in,” Jace suggested with a lift of his eyebrow.

  Tess saw a shadow in the stairwell, shivered a moment, then quickly unlatched the door. She stood aside as Jace strode into her apartment.

  As she closed the door, she felt the room shrink. His presence seemed to fill the space.

  “You’re listening to Helen Lennox?” Jace asked, tilting his head toward the stereo.

  “Seemed appropriate.” Tess picked up the remote and hit the switch. Silence reigned. She walked over to the couch and sank onto it. “What do you want?”

  Jace dropped into a wooden chair across from her, boring his eyes into hers.

  Tess felt a sense of foreboding, but she resisted the temptation to look away. Don’t back down, she commanded herself.

  “I had planned a dozen of times what I wanted to say,” he said. “I always ended up going in circles because I don’t know what I’m supposed to be asking you. I don’t know what to say. I’m trying to defend myself, and I don’t even know what I’m accused of.”

  He stopped, and the quiet that rose between them felt thick with old questions and bittersweet memories.

  “I thought things had changed in the past few days. I was willing to leave the past in the past.” He shoved his hand through his neatly combed hair in frustration. “Then, all of a sudden, you’re on the run again. I was angry at you when you left me at the office and when you left me to talk to Helen alone.”

  Tess’s eyes flew to the date on her calendar. Printed in large letters were Helen’s name and the time.

  Jace followed the direction of her gaze.

  “You knew about the meeting,” he said.

  “I couldn’t go.”

  “Because I would be there.”

  Tess nodded a tight yes.

  “I had an interesting conversation with Helen. She said something I haven’t been able to forget. She sensed you were dealing with a deep pain.” Jace’s voice grew quiet, but Tess sensed determination in his tone. “What do you think she meant?”

  Tess’s breath caught in her throat. “I’m not sure,” she said. “She probably is just imagining things. She’s had her own troubles. I’m sure she is kind of sensitive.” She was babbling, desperately trying to shore up her defenses.

  “I thought we were getting somewhere again,” he said, his voice vibrating with anger. “I thought we were getting to a point where we could trust each other.”

  As Tess’s gaze rested on his mouth, she thought of the times they had spent together and the kisses they had shared. “I’m sorry, Jace.” She stifled a surge of regret as she thought of the possibilities she had entertained for a few wonderful days. How foolish she was to think she could keep the past behind her, to keep Carson separate from her life when he was so entwined with Jace.

  Jace pushed himself off the chair and stalked to the window. “Why is this such a problem? Why has this become the line in the sand for you?”

  His words were like particles of salt grinding into an opening wound. She wanted to answer him, but the words—so long held down—were lodged in her throat.

  “You were drifting before you got on board with this fundraiser, Tess,” Jace continued. “Just meandering along. I know you got involved to satisfy your mother.” He crouched down in front of her, looking into her eyes, as if to make sure she couldn’t avoid him anymore. “When you got involved, when you really got behind this, I got to see not only the Tess I knew, but another side of you—a side that cares deeply about the people in this community.” His tone softened and Tess trembled. “Please don’t drift again.”

  If he had stayed angry, it would have been so much easier to resist him.

  Then, when he reached up and ran his finger along her cheek, a sob grew in her throat.

  “Tess, please tell me what is going on. What happened to you?”

  “Doesn’t matter, Jace. It was a long time ago. You and me will never work, and we may as well realize it.”

  “What do you mean, never—”

  She sliced her hand through the air, as if to cut off his comment. “You want to live in the city and move up the corporate ladder. I want to stay here. In Sweet Creek. It will not work.”

  She had to keep her anger up and emotions high. If she didn’t, he would find out and that she couldn’t bear.

  Jace glared at her. “I don’t believe you.”

  “You’ll have to.”

  “That’s it? That’s your big reason?”

  Tess held his gaze, hoping she could convince him, and then she saw his features soften.

  “I thought things were coming together for us,” he said. “I thought we had come to a good place.”

  She had thought so, too. For a few heady days, she had honestly thought they could start over. But there were too many barriers between them. And when he told her that he was thinking of selling the ranch to Carson, that he had invited the MacGregors here, she felt as if her faintest hope she had clung to—that Jace would stay—had been snatched away.

  Tell him the truth.

  He would never believe her.

  “You better leave, Jace,” she said, a hard note entering her voice.

  “Why?”

  “Because this...us...like I said, it won’t work.”

  “You don’t want to make it work, do you?” Jace replied, his voice rising again. “It’s much easier to keep floating along, doing nothing, than it is to make something of yourself.”

  He moved closer, and for a moment, fear slithered in her belly.

  “You’re not telling me everything, Tess. I can’t believe you’re willing to give up on us, just because of what I am and what I do.”

  She held his angry gaze, and the wisp of a thought teased her. Tell him. Tell him everything.

  Even as the thought tantalized, she knew she couldn’t. The shame that had dogged her all these years was still too strong.

  And she cared too much for Jace to see rejection on his face.

  “I have to give up on us Jace and you do too,” she said, clinging to what little pride she had left. “It was fun while it lasted, but it’s over.”

  A voice in her head cried, “Why are you doing this?”

  She fought it. This was how it had to be. She had to keep him away from her, or she would fall apart.

  “You won’t try, will you?”

  She feigned an indifferent shrug. “I don’t want to invest any more in this. Please leave.” She clung to her anger, fanning its flames. “Have fun in Vancouver and enjoy your climb up the ladder.” She turned away from him, struggling to maintain her composure. “Just go. Now.”

  There was a pause, then the door to her apartment opened and shut behind Jace.

  The sound was like a knife to her heart.

  Chapter 11

  He’s gone.

  Tess choked back a sob.

  You could have told him, but you sent him away.

  He wouldn’t have believed me.

  You told him to leave.

  Only because I was scared to see the rejection in his eyes. To see the disbelief when I told him everything.

  When I tell him about the rape. The shame. The humiliation.

  And who did it.

  Tess wandered back to the couch, turned on the light beside it, then fell onto the couch, limp, worn and ragged. She felt utterly, totally alone.

  You’re not alone.

  The still, quiet voice whispered into
her consciousness, and Tess waited, letting it settle.

  You’re not alone.

  Tess glanced at the end table where she’d put her Bible the other day. The day after she’d come back from talking to Helen Lennox.

  Tess reached for the Bible and set it on her lap, fingering the gold-stamped words on the front. She flipped it open and searched through it, waiting for something to come out at her and catch her eye.

  Finally she turned back to Psalm 16, the one the pastor had read the Sunday she had gone to church.

  “Keep me safe O God. For in You I take refuge,” Tess whispered, keeping at bay the silence and the darkness. She read on, and when she came to the end, her voice grew. “You will not abandon me to the grave, nor will You let your Holy One see decay.”

  Tess felt the strength of these words sustain and comfort her. And yet, she felt a stirring of anger and sorrow. God had not, as the Psalm had said, made her lot secure. The boundary lines of her life had not fallen in pleasant places.

  She had been violated in one of the worst possible ways. She had lost her innocence, her trust, and her self-respect.

  All of that had caused her to lose the one man she had cared the most for. She closed the Bible, wishing she could be as sure about the promises it held as she used to be. She got up and paced through her apartment, restless and afraid.

  “Why did you let that happen to me, Lord?” she cried out finally. “That man ruined my life. He robbed me of something I valued. He broke me.”

  The words echoed through the apartment, and for a moment Tess wondered if she had done something horribly wrong, raging at God like that. Then she realized she didn’t care.

  “You abandoned me. You made me go through that...horrible...horrible...” Her voice broke as she clenched her fists and shook them heavenward. “Why? What had I done wrong? I did everything you asked. I did all the right things.”